Starving For Perfection
by hobbitpartytime
Summary: Bilbo develops an eating disorder after some harsh comments about his weight. He grows weaker each day of the journey as he tries to lose weight to impress the dwarves, especially Thorin. The constant extreme hunger, headaches, and stomach aches cannot persuade Bilbo to eat, but maybe Thorin can before it's too late.
1. Bread and Honey

**oh hey. so this story takes place in movieverse, although it's based off of a line in the book where beorn picks bilbo up and says "it looks like little bunny is getting nice and fat again on bread and honey."**

**i've read other fics based on that line and love love love them so i decided to write my own!**

**also i've fucked with the timeline a lil bit so just go with it**

**trigger warning: eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia)**

* * *

"Who wants more ale?" Beorn called out above the commotion of dwarves, as well as a hobbit and a wizard, who were feasting and conversing loudly in his kitchen.

A loud cheer erupted from the dwarves as evidently they all wanted more ale.

Beorn went around the table, refilling everyone's mug.

Kili pounded his mug together with Fili's and announced "Chugging contest! Go!"

The brothers began chugging their ale as the other dwarves cheered them on.

It was dinner time once again at Beorn's home, and the dwarves were rowdier and louder than ever after being able to spend many days there eating hearty meals and preparing for the rest of the journey, thanks to the skin-changer.

Bilbo looked on as the rest of the dwarves also began a contest to see who could chug their ale the fastest. He glanced over at Thorin, who was not participating in the contest but was watching in amusement. The hobbit smiled adoringly at him when their eyes met.

He and Thorin were currently a couple. Ever since their hug after Thorin had apologized to him, Bilbo had become incredibly attracted to the sexy dwarf. After Bilbo had admitted his love for Thorin, the dwarf also had to admit that he had feelings for the cute little hobbit. Since then, they had shared many kisses, cuddles, and a lot more than that. Bilbo felt like the luckiest hobbit in the world to be together with such an amazing dwarf, and even though they were on a dangerous quest, he felt like he was going to be alright as long as Thorin was with him.

Bilbo stopped looking at Thorin with admiration and went back to his meal. Tonight was their second to last night at Beorn's home, and the hobbit decided he was going to make the most of it and gorge himself on food.

He had already eaten plenty of bread and honey that night, but it was so good he couldn't resist eating more. He grabbed a few more pieces and started eating them greedily. He reached for the last piece and ate it slowly this time as he was feeling uncomfortably full.

As the dwarves were beginning to drink even more ale, Bilbo leaned back in his seat and sighed, feeling very stuffed and drowsy.

Beorn set another bowl of bread and honey onto the table. "Eat more, little bunny?"

"Oh, no thanks," Bilbo replied, putting a hand on his overfull stomach. "I couldn't possibly eat another bite."

A mischievous smile crept onto Beorn's face. He put his hands underneath Bilbo's shoulders and swiftly picked him up.

The tiny hobbit gasped in surprise as he felt himself being lifted through the air.

"Beorn?" He asked in confusion. "What do you think you're doing? Please put me down."

The dwarves had stopped drinking and were silent, watching expectantly to see what the skin-changer was going to do.

"Everybody, look here!" Beorn shouted. "It looks like little bunny is getting nice and fat again on bread and honey." He poked Bilbo hard in the stomach.

"Ouch! Stop that!" Bilbo winced as Beorn's large finger colliding with his small body hurt as if he'd been punched.

The dwarves burst into loud, raucous laughter.

"Put me down immediately!" Bilbo squirmed uncomfortably in Beorn's grasp. "This instant, I demand you put me down."

"Alright, settle down little bunny," Beorn said as he gently set the hobbit back down onto his seat.

Bilbo looked at the dwarves who were laughing hysterically at him, and blushed slightly, feeling very embarassed at what Beorn had said about his weight.

"You're a fat little bunny!" Kili teased him.

"He's not a bunny, he's just a fat hobbit," Fili pointed out.

Bilbo could feel his face getting warmer as he blushed even harder and looked at the ground. He began to feel self conscious and wrapped his arms around his stomach as if to hide it. He was also regretting eating so much extra bread.

"He has put on some weight, indeed," Balin said. "I do believe Beorn is correct."

"Aye, did you see how much he ate?" Bofur asked incredulously. "How could somebody so small eat such a large amount?"

"If he eats any more, he will end up looking like Bombur!" Kili joked.

The dwarves roared with laughter. Even Gandalf was chuckling.

Bilbo pretended to laugh along with them, even though he was feeling hurt and insulted. He looked over at Thorin for help, but his heart sank when he realized that Thorin was laughing as well.

He couldn't believe that Thorin would laugh at their unkind comments. He thought the dwarf would defend him, but no. He was crushed as he realized that Thorin must agree with them.

"If he gains any more weight, he will be unable to walk and we will need to carry him for the remainder of our journey," Gloin remarked.

"He's correct, laddie," Balin turned to Bilbo. "You must stop eating so much. You will not be an efficient burglar if you aren't light on your feet."

Bilbo hung his head in shame as he realized that the dwarf was right. He hadn't thought of it that way before. His careless eating could compromise the entire quest.

"Well, I... I suppose I could cut back," Bilbo said in a small voice. "Could we, um, perhaps talk about something else? I understand I am fat, you all have made your point very clear."

"I have but one question," Ori spoke up, a look of bewilderment on his face. "I have been pondering it this entire time."

"Well, what is it?" Bofur prompted. "Out with it, laddie!"

"If Bilbo eats any more..." Ori hesitated, shy about asking his question. "Do you think he might explode?"

Everyone was silent for a few seconds, as they thought this over. Then they began shouting out their answers all at once, some saying that it was impossible, but some saying that it was definitely possible. Then they began to argue.

Tears started to well up in Bilbo's eyes. He didn't want to hear them speak about his weight any longer. He couldn't figure out why it had become such a topic of interest to the dwarves, or why they were hurting his feelings so much. Everything they had said so far hurt him deeply and he just wanted to disappear.

"Let's settle this!" Bofur shouted over the arguing dwarves. He picked up a piece of bread and tossed it over towards Bilbo. "Eat this and let us find out."

"No!" Bilbo threw the bread back over at him. "This is not funny, not even in the slightest! You are all being rude and impolite!" He had tried to sound firm, but his voice kept shaking as he tried to hold in his tears.

"Oh come on, we're all waiting!" Ori exclaimed.

"Aye, do not ask him again," Thorin instructed. "We do not actually want him to explode, do we?"

"No," Ori admitted sheepishly. "It could get rather messy."

Bilbo glared unhappily at Thorin through tear filled eyes. He felt betrayed and let down by the dwarf.

"Aye, Thorin, which type of hobbit do you prefer?" Dwalin asked. "One like Bilbo, or one a bit more on the thin side?"

"I will always prefer Bilbo," Thorin replied, and then he hesitated before saying, "But perhaps I would prefer him to a greater degree if he was fairly lighter."

Upon hearing this, Bilbo could no longer hold his emotions in as he burst into tears.

"You're terrible!" He cried. "All of you are terrible!"

He stood up and began to run out of the kitchen, wanting to be alone so that the dwarves could no longer analyze his body.

"Oh Bilbo, come back, we're sorry!" Kili called after him.

"We were simply joking, don't cry laddie!" Bofur added.

Bilbo ignored them and ran into the bedroom, feeling unstable like he was about to have a breakdown. He sat down on a bed and buried his head in his hands, sobbing.

He had never felt insecure about his weight until now. Hobbits are supposed to eat a lot and be plump, he thought the dwarves had known that. He was mortified and felt belittled by the ones who he thought were his friends. He was angry with all of them for ridiculing him this way.

He was angry with Thorin the most. How could the one he loves laugh at their cruel remarks? He remembered what the dwarf had said and felt his heart breaking as he realized that he may become too fat for Thorin to love him any more.

At that moment, Thorin rushed into the bedroom and sat down next to Bilbo on the bed.

"Do not cry, my love," He said, as he wrapped his arms around the weeping hobbit. "I apologize."

Bilbo looked up at him in disgust. "How could you laugh with them? How could you say you do not like my body?"

"I did not mean for you to take offense."

Bilbo stared at him in disbelief. "How could I not take offense when they were saying such hurtful things? They think I am fat! I was near tears and they still carried on laughing at me."

"They certainly did not mean it," Thorin said as he hugged the hobbit tighter. "They have been drinking profusely all night so they think everything is funny."

"That gives them no right to hurt my feelings," Bilbo pouted. "And you said you would like me better if I was thinner." He looked up at the dwarf through tear filled eyes. "Is it true?"

"Bilbo, I love you simply for being you," Thorin said as he wiped away tears from the hobbit's cheeks. "Nothing can compare to my love for you, it is greater than that of my love for all of the gold in the world. Not a thing, not even your weight, could ever change that."

"I understand you love me," Bilbo sniffed. "But you would love me even more if I was thin."

"That is false, I_"

"It is not false! You just humiliated me in front of everybody by saying it! Do not try to tell me that it is false." Bilbo looked at the ground before sadly muttering, "You think I'm fat."

"Please stop saying that you are fat. Those fools do not know what they are speaking of. You have not gained any weight since we met, perhaps one or two pounds, but_"

"Then one or two pounds I will lose," Bilbo said, sounding defeated.

"You do not need to lose any weight. Why are you so sure that I would love you more if there were less of you?"

Bilbo gave him a weak smile. He was tired of arguing. He buried his face in Thorin's shoulder and continued to cry.

It was at this moment that Bilbo decided he could not gain any more weight. Although he believed Thorin's comforting words, he could not even imagine that there would come a day when he would become so fat that Thorin would no longer want him. He loved the dwarf so much that he was willing to do anything to make sure that his love was reciprocated.

Bilbo still cried as thoughts of losing weight and looking perfect took over his mind, and Thorin stayed there holding the broken hobbit in his arms until the crying finally ceased.

* * *

Bilbo woke up the next morning, and the events of last night immediately came rushing back to him. A feeling of despair overcame him as he remembered every word that the dwarves had said about him.

The hobbit thought that perhaps he would feel better after getting some sleep, but he only felt worse as he realized he would need to eat today. He needed to lose weight, and he could not do that by eating.

He turned over in the bed to see that Thorin was no longer lying beside him. They had cuddled all night as they always do, but this time it felt different to Bilbo. He felt like he was no longer good enough for the dwarf.

He sat up in bed and realized that he was the only one left in the bedroom. He could hear everybody talking and laughing out in the kitchen.

Bilbo did not feel like getting out of bed today, but he did anyway, and started to slowly stroll towards the kitchen. He did not want to be around the dwarves and all of the food again today.

That was when he got a brilliant idea. He had thought up an excuse to skip breakfast.

He approached the table that everybody was gathered around, and looked in disgust at all of the food that the dwarves were eating as they called out greetings to him.

"Sit down and eat some breakfast with us, laddie!" Balin called out.

"We've saved you some, if you can believe it," Bofur added.

Bilbo stared at them in bewilderment. "So, let me get this straight, last night you told me that I was too fat to eat, and today you are telling me to eat?"

"Sure, today's a new day, new adventures await," Balin responded.

"Plus, today we have the greatest selection of food thus far," Kili said.

"You've said that everyday since we've arrived," Fili sounded annoyed.

Bilbo stood there in astonishment. He couldn't believe that they were acting as if last night never happened. He was expecting at least one or two apologies, but instead he got none.

As he watched everyone carry on and eat their meal, he vowed to himself that he would lose as much weight as he possibly could. He would become the thinnest hobbit ever and they would take back everything that they had said to him.

"No," Bilbo spoke up.

"No to what?" Balin asked.

"I'm not going to eat," Bilbo said, and he took a deep breath as he prepared to tell his false excuse as to why he wanted to skip breakfast. "I'm feeling quite ill today. My stomach is upset and I have lost my appetite."

"Ill?" Thorin looked at the hobbit with concern. "Whatever has made you ill?"

"His illness is most likely the result of everything he ate yesterday," Kili chimed in.

Thorin kicked him under the table.

"Indeed, I must have eaten something that had spoiled," Bilbo said.

"I said that the cheese had gone moldy but nobody would listen!" Gloin shouted out.

"Perhaps some rest should be in order for you," Thorin regarded the hobbit with a worried expression. "It will help to alleviate your illness."

"You're right, I think I will lay back down for a bit, until my condition subsides."

Bilbo had already been planning to go back to bed. He wanted to be alone and he knew that nobody would bother him if he was sleeping.

"So, is it safe to assume that you will not be eating your portion that we saved for you?" Balin inquired.

"That's right," Bilbo said, hoping that they would be concerned and apologize for their mean comments.

But instead, all hell broke loose.

"I want his portion!" Fili called out.

"No, I want it!" Bofur spoke up.

"I spoke first, so it's mine," Fili said.

"Perhaps we could all share it?" Ori suggested.

Dwalin stood up crossly. "Sharing is for fools, I say we fight to the death!"

Bilbo rolled his eyes as everyone started to shout and argue once again. He was getting tired of their constant bickering. After he realized that they had now forgotten that he was standing there, he hung his head and dejectedly walked back into the bedroom.

He flopped down onto the bed and groaned with his head in the pillow. A part of him wanted them to care that he was not eating, but another part was glad that they didn't. He was too fat to eat anyway. He decided that he would need to keep his starvation a secret from the others, in case they were to interfere and force him to eat, which would in turn cause him to gain weight.

He was hungry, and he would have loved to eat breakfast, but he knew he would only put on weight if he did. He was not feeling ill as he had told them. He was fine physically, but emotionally he was a wreck.

He curled up underneath the blankets and shut his eyes, attempting to sleep. He wanted his mind to shut off and stop thinking for awhile.

* * *

Early that night, Bilbo woke up to somebody gently shaking him.

He opened his eyes to see Thorin sitting on the edge of the bed next to him, looking at him with unease.

"Hello," Bilbo smiled and greeted him sleepily.

"Are you feeling better, my love?" The dwarf asked as he reached out to gently caress the hobbit's cheek. "You have slept for the entire day and I have been immensely worried."

"I'm feeling quite better, yes," Bilbo replied as he sat up in bed and stretched.

"I am pleased to hear it," Thorin said as he briefly kissed the hobbit's lips.

"Did I miss dinner?" Bilbo asked hopefully.

"No, it has only just begun."

"Oh," Bilbo's face fell and he wished he had slept just a little bit longer.

"Are you well enough to eat?"

"Yes, um, I mean, no, I don't know," Bilbo stammered, wanting to talk about anything besides food.

"You haven't eaten all day," Thorin pointed out. "Tomorrow we will set out, and there is much walking to be done. You must eat to keep up your strength."

"Okay!" Bilbo jumped out of bed happily, not wanting Thorin to realize that something was wrong. He took the dwarf's hand in his own. "Let's go."

Thorin smiled at the cute hobbit and started to lead him into the kitchen. Bilbo was becoming more and more anxious with each step.

Bilbo was extremely hungry, but he was feeling too shy to eat in front of everyone again. His hobbit body was used to eating several meals a day and it had not been fed for nearly twenty four hours. He felt like he could eat everything in the house, but he did not want to.

"Bilbo is feeling better!" Thorin announced joyfully, as they entered the kitchen.

The group greeted Bilbo, but he didn't pay any attention to them. He sat down next to Thorin at the table and glanced at all of the food, feeling repulsed by it.

He hated the empty feeling in his stomach. It was beginning to ache and the hobbit decided that maybe just one piece of bread wouldn't hurt.

When he noticed nobody looking, he cautiously reached for a piece of bread. He took a small bite out of it, anticipating somebody to point out that he's too fat and should not be eating. Since no one did, he took another small bite and then another. He was so hungry that he wanted to devour the entire thing whole, but if he did, he would never hear the end of it.

"We missed you during breakfast, little bunny," Beorn remarked as he stood behind Bilbo.

Bilbo froze in the middle of chewing. He began to hear the hurtful words from yesterday repeating over and over in his head. _It looks like little bunny is getting nice and fat again on bread and honey._

"Could you pass me that block of cheese from over there, laddie?" Bofur requested. "And not the small one. The nice, fat one."

Bilbo's heart sank when he heard the word fat. It was quickly becoming his least favorite word. An overwhelming feeling of anxiety was starting to come over him. His heart began to race.

"Fat," Bilbo repeated, sounding dazed. "You said fat. You're calling me fat again."

"Pardon? I was referring to the cheese."

_He's just a fat hobbit._ Bilbo cringed as more words from last night started to play in his head. His heart sped up even faster as his anxious feeling worsened. He tried to swallow but couldn't. He felt like his throat was closing up.

_Perhaps I would prefer him to a greater degree if he was fairly lighter._ Bilbo couldn't shake the awful thought that even though Thorin had asked him to eat, the dwarf secretly hoped that he wouldn't so that his weight would decrease. Bilbo's tiny body started to tremble violently and he struggled to breathe.

_You must stop eating so much. You will not be an efficient burglar if you aren't light on your feet._ He started to feel very guilty for eating, even though it was only half of a piece of bread. _Shouldn't have eaten that. No self control, just like last night._

Bilbo started feeling dizzy and he gripped the table with both hands so that he wouldn't fall off of his seat. The voices of the merry dwarves were drowned out by the voices in his head that were calling him worthless and fat.

Finally, Bilbo couldn't take it any longer. He cried out in frustration and slammed his head down onto the table.

Everyone fell silent and all eyes were on the distressed hobbit.

"Bilbo?" Thorin placed a hand on the hobbit's back, looking troubled. "You're shaking profusely. Whatever is the matter this time?"

Bilbo looked up at him, his eyes misty with tears. "Panic... panic attack, " he gasped. "I... I must leave. I'm feeling ill again."

He shakily stood up, and trying not to fall over from the dizziness, slowly made his way back into the bedroom once again, leaving everyone to stare after him in bewilderment.

Now, only three words were repeating in his mind as he leaned against the wall and sunk down to the floor, sobbing. _Never eat again._

* * *

"I'm here now. You have not a thing to be frightened of," Thorin said as he pulled the tiny hobbit even closer to himself.

"I know. I love you," Bilbo said, his voice muffled because of his face pressing into the dwarf's chest.

They were both lying in bed, having a cuddle session before going to sleep for the night. Everybody else was already asleep. Bilbo had just finished telling Thorin about his panic attack, although he left the part out about why he had it. The hobbit had calmed down now and was feeling quite content in the arms of the one he loves most.

"Perhaps I know of a way to diminish your fears," Thorin said alluringly as he moved his hands down to Bilbo's behind.

"And what might it be?" Bilbo asked with a giggle.

Thorin pressed his lips against Bilbo's and began to kiss him deeply. His hands stayed on Bilbo's rear end as his tongue entered the hobbit's mouth. Bilbo couldn't help but to moan softly into the kiss. Thorin's hands started to move towards Bilbo's groin.

Suddenly, Bilbo's empty stomach growled noisily. He blushed slightly as he realized that the dwarf was able to hear it in the quiet room.

Thorin stopped kissing him and looked at him in surprise. "That was your stomach?"

"Um, no, I think it was somebody snoring," Bilbo replied uneasily.

"Would you wish for me to bring you a snack?"

"No thank you, I'll be fine," Bilbo said, and then he mentally cursed his stomach for being so loud.

"But I insist," Thorin remarked as he stood up. "If you are hungry, I will bring you one."

"No!" Bilbo snapped angrily. "Did you not hear me when I said I do not want one? Don't even bother! No means no!"

Thorin paused in shock at the hobbit's outburst. "Bilbo, keep your voice low. Do you want to awaken everyone?"

Bilbo was also shocked at himself for snapping like that, but he did not want to eat. He decided he needed to be much less obvious about his aversion to eating if he didn't want anybody to find out about it.

"I mean..." The hobbit started slowly. "I am comfortable in bed with you and I don't want you to leave. Plus, we were just getting started." He pouted and grabbed the dwarf's wrist and pulled on it in an attempt to get him to lay back down.

Thorin sighed as he laid back down next to the hobbit. "Just this once, we will do it your way. But you must eat in the morning before we set out. We have a long journey ahead of us."

"I sure will," Bilbo smiled sweetly, even though he knew he wouldn't.

"I love you, Bilbo," Thorin gazed at the cute hobbit with admiration.

"I love you too," Bilbo returned his gaze. "Do you think that we could carry on from where we left off?"

"We certainly can," Thorin replied as his hands went towards Bilbo's groin once again.

* * *

**they ended up having sexytimes btw just putting that out there really quick.**

**TO BE CONTINUED. bilbo's condition is really going to start to affect him after the company leaves beorn's home.**

**btw i'm looking for roleplay partners! so if you wanna rp send me a pm (;**


	2. Empty

**hiii guys. so i wrote this chapter using a different writing style than the first chapter and i love this one so much better.**

**it took me so long to update for this reason: i'm supposed to be working on this fic, but i get an idea for a new fic so i start writing that one, then i'm like juniper stop that you're supposed to be working on your other fic, so i start working on this one again, and repeat over and over. but i have it under control now so no worries!**

**AND DOS COMES OUT ON DVD IN SIX DAYS ASDSKGJFSJFSFKJ OMG i'm going to leave school on tuesday and ima be speeding to walmart to buy it and probably watch it like 20 times in the first week i mean you seriously have no idea how fucking excited i am!**

**trigger warning: eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia)**

* * *

Bilbo walked, his eyes fixed on the ground, only glancing up every so often to see the rest of the company walking several meters ahead of him. Putting one foot in front of the other required extreme effort for the poor hobbit. His body had been deprived of food for nearly two days and was showing signs of weakness as the company walked through rough terrain for several hours.

His head throbbed, which slowed him down even more, and almost made him regret skipping breakfast that morning. He had woken up late, and by the time he made his way into Beorn's kitchen, everybody else was finished eating and were busy getting ready to set out. Bilbo had piled his plate with food and sat down at the table, and no one noticed him sitting there staring at it with disgust instead of eating a single bite. No one noticed him walk over to the trash can and throw all of it away. Thorin had asked him if he'd enjoyed his breakfast, and he'd nodded and said that it was delicious. At first he felt guilty for lying to Thorin, but the feeling of guilt went away after he told himself that the dwarf was going to appreciate his thin body someday.

Now, Bilbo was facing the consequences as a sharp hunger pain shot through his stomach. A groan escaped from his lips as he stopped walking and clutched his empty stomach.

"Bilbo, you mustn't let yourself fall behind," Gandalf scolded from the front of the group.

"I'll catch up," Bilbo said after the pain had subsided.

He began to run to gain on the others, but his head throbbed with each step that he took. Running was using up the small amount of energy that he had left. He knew that he needed food to replenish his energy, but he had already decided that was not going to happen. He was gasping for air when he reached the company.

"Are you alright, laddie?" Bofur studied the panting hobbit. "You've only run a brief distance, yet you're winded as if you've been running for days."

"I suppose I must... begin... exercising more," Bilbo doubled over as he struggled to catch his breath.

The weary hobbit wanted nothing more than to lie down on the ground and sleep for awhile. Or at least for the pain in his head and stomach to disappear.

The company walked on, oblivious to Bilbo's plight, and it wasn't long before he found himself trailing behind them yet again. His famished body could not keep up with their fast pace up hills, through forests, and around mountains.

After weakly trudging along for another mile, he began to feel faint.

His legs started to quiver and he stopped walking, only to struggle to remain standing upright. His tiny legs felt as if they had turned to jelly and were going to give out at any moment. Another sharp pain shot through his stomach, causing him to whimper. He knew that his body could take no more and he needed to rest somewhere.

Gandalf suddenly stopped walking which caused the rest of the company to stop as well. "Nightfall will soon be upon us," he announced as he turned to face them. "Shall we rest here for tonight?"

Bilbo's pointy ears perked up. "Yes! I feel like I'm going to drop," he said eagerly as everyone else murmured their agreement.

Gandalf narrowed his eyes at the group. "I must forewarn you that orcs are in close proximity to our location. You must remain wary of your surroundings at all times."

As the company started to spread out across the small clearing in the forest, orcs were the last thing on Bilbo's mind. He spotted a log lying next to some trees that looked to be the perfect size for his tiny body to lie down comfortably on. His legs finally gave out as he staggered towards the log. He collapsed onto his hands and knees only an inch away from it. Muttering, he pulled himself up and looked around to make sure that nobody had seen him fall. They were all too busy setting up camp to notice. He sat down on the log and then laid down on his back.

Closing his eyes and folding his hands over his stomach, he breathed a sigh of relief. He was happy to give his tired legs a rest. He was so exhausted that it wasn't long before he felt himself drifting off to sleep.

Bilbo woke up with a start to the sound of something loud. As he gasped and sat up too quickly, a wave of dizziness overcame him. Groaning, he placed his hand on his forehead as he laid back down. He thought he would feel better after getting some rest, but he only felt worse after having gone even longer without eating. It definitely hadn't helped his headache at all.

Thorin rushed over to him and smiled. "You're awake."

"Yes, and I've been awoken by the most terrible noise," Bilbo sounded grouchy. "What was it?" He frowned up at the dwarf.

"It was only my nephews messing about. I'm quite pleased to see that you're awake, my love." He gazed at the hobbit adoringly.

Bilbo sat up once again, slowly this time. He noticed that it still wasn't dark outside. "How long have I slept?"

"You took a brief rest of about fifteen minutes."

"It seemed like... ouch!" Bilbo cried out as his stomach growled and cramped up. His hand flew to clutch his stomach and he winced.

"Are you in pain?" Thorin took an alarmed step towards him. "Whatever is the matter?"

Bilbo wrung his little hands nervously. "I'm wonderful!" He fake smiled at the dwarf. "Nothing is the matter here. I'm feeling incredible, and fantastic, and..." He trailed off when he noticed Thorin eyeing him suspiciously. He cursed in his head when he realized the dwarf was seeing through his happy act.

"Does your stomach hurt?" Thorin raised an eyebrow.

"No," Bilbo shook his head so hard that his curls bounced around. "I'm perfectly fine, I can assure you."

"Are you still ill as you were yesterday? If something is wrong, please do not keep it from me."

Bilbo looked at the ground and muttered, "For the final time, there is nothing wrong. I'm well, you have my promise." He bit his lip in remorse after having told so many lies.

In one sudden motion, Thorin sat down next to the hobbit and threw his arms around him. Bilbo yelped in surprise as he was squeezed into a tight hug. "I do hope you're telling the truth, my love." The dwarf tenderly kissed the top of Bilbo's head. "If something were to happen to you, I could not bear it. You have my undivided heart. You are the most adorable hobbit. You are my hobbit and I love you."

Bilbo blushed and he felt his heart soar at the dwarf's heartfelt words. "I could say the same back to you, except you are not a hobbit." He giggled and leaned up to kiss Thorin.

Thorin met the hobbit's lips and they began to make out. Thorin pulled Bilbo onto his lap in a straddling position. The hobbit put his tiny arms around Thorin's neck and the dwarf rested his hands on Bilbo's hips as the kiss was deepened.

Bilbo moaned softly and he could feel Thorin smiling. They carried on for several minutes until they pulled apart.

"Wow... that was, um..." Bilbo blushed and bit his lip, unable to speak properly after the fiery kiss.

"Amazing?" Thorin offered. "Incredible? Astounding?" He smirked with amusement at the flushed hobbit.

"All of that and more," Bilbo found his voice and beamed at the dwarf. He noticed Thorin studying him curiously. "Hm? What is it?"

"Why do I have the urge to tickle you right now?"

"Um, well_" Bilbo was taken aback by the question, but he didn't have time to respond because Thorin started tickling his stomach.

Suddenly, Bilbo was feeling two conflicting emotions. He was laughing because it tickled but he was also freaking out because Thorin was touching his stomach, the one place where he did not want to be touched. He was afraid that Thorin was feeling all of his fat and was going to take off in disgust.

"Stop... that..." Bilbo managed to gasp out between laughs. "Not there..."

"Why?" Thorin asked playfully. "Because you're ticklish there?"

"I'm ticklish on my neck as well," Bilbo said in an attempt to get Thorin's hand away from his stomach. He grabbed the dwarf's hand to move it away from himself, but Thorin broke free from his grasp and started to tickle him even faster.

Bilbo laughed so hard that he nearly fell off of Thorin's lap and onto the ground. He hated himself right now for being so ticklish. Fat and ticklish was not a good combination.

"Stop it at once," Bilbo tried to sound firm but it was hard to do when he was hysterical with laughter. "Stop tickling me immediately... I mean it!"

"You don't sound like you mean it," Thorin teased.

"But I do!" Bilbo grabbed Thorin's hand again, roughly this time, and shoved it away from himself. Then he stood up and began to stomp away into the trees.

He heard Thorin calling after him, but he ignored him and kept walking, wrapping his arms around his stomach in shame. Letting Thorin touch his fat made him feel embarrassed. He believed that no matter what Thorin said or did, the dwarf felt disgusted by his excess weight and would leave him for somebody thinner if he could.

Bilbo's wobbly legs gave out once again and he found himself on his knees in the middle of the forest. His head started telling him terrible things which he believed to be true. _You are fat_. He dug his nails into his wrist as tears flowed freely from his eyes. _You are worthless and disgusting_. He took a handful of his hair in each hand and pulled hard on it in frustration. _Thorin does not love you. Nobody could ever love you._

A great wave of sadness rushed over him as he decided that the lovely things Thorin had told him earlier were not true. His tiny body shook with sobs as he cursed loudly.

He could hear leaves crunching as Thorin approached behind him.

"Go away!" Bilbo hissed.

"Bilbo?" Thorin moved to stand in front of him. "I apologize for tickling you after you requested that I stop." He looked down at the weeping hobbit with concern. "You were laughing so I assumed that you were enjoying it."

"I couldn't help it," Bilbo choked out. He buried his head in his hands.

"Why are you shedding tears?" Thorin asked as he kneeled down next to him. "Certainly they were not brought on simply by the tickling." He lovingly placed a hand on Bilbo's back.

"Do not touch me!" Bilbo snapped as he crawled on his knees to move away from the dwarf.

Thorin blinked, his face showing a mixture of hurt and confusion. "Please tell me why you're upset, my love."

Bilbo wiped tears from his eyes with his sleeve. "I'm fat," he whispered.

"Pardon?" Thorin leaned in closer to hear better.

Bilbo didn't repeat himself. He cried silently now, with the exception of occasionally making a small whimpering sound. Thorin reached out and took the hobbit's tiny hand in his own, but Bilbo quickly pulled it away.

Suddenly, Thorin's eyes grew wide with fear. In a flash, he was back on his feet and pointing urgently at Bilbo. "We must go now!"

"Go where?" Bilbo sniffed. He looked at himself to see where Thorin was pointing. His eyes widened as well when he found the source of the dwarf's panic. His sword was glowing blue.

"Orcs are near!" Thorin shouted. "Let's go, Bilbo!" Shouting words of warning to them, he started running back to where the others had set up camp.

Bilbo's sorrow turned to fear as he lifted his weary body off of the ground as quickly as he could, which wasn't very quick at all. Ignoring a wave of dizziness, Bilbo started to run after Thorin.

When Bilbo arrived at camp, Thorin was standing as the rest of the company was gathered around him, listening to him discuss a plan of action about how to deal with the possible orc attack.

Bilbo ran up beside him, feeling lightheaded. He rubbed his forehead and sighed. He was not in the mood to put up with orcs right now. He only wanted to be doing two things: lying down and not eating.

"We must fight!" Thorin proclaimed to the company. "We cannot keep letting orcs run us down."

A menacing howl echoed throughout the forest. Panic rose among the company as they collectively drew their weapons.

"A warg howl," Dwalin said as he drew his axe. "It can only mean one thing."

"The orcs draw near," Balin glanced at him gravely.

"Let us retreat!" Gandalf commanded.

Bilbo gasped as the dwarves nearly trampled him as they began to run after Gandalf. Taking a deep breath, the underfed hobbit followed suit. His weak legs hurt and couldn't move as fast as the others. Once again, he found himself trailing behind them.

Another howl was heard, closer this time, and Bilbo glanced over his shoulder to see several orcs riding on wargs pursuing them. His heart started pounding from both fear and running.

He noticed an orc coming up behind Kili. The dwarf suddenly turned around and shot the warg with an arrow. The warg let out a whimper as it dropped to the ground. The orc riding on top of it fell off and landed next to the warg with a thud.

Bilbo's adrenaline kicked in and he soon found himself running fast enough to catch up with the rest of the company. His head was throbbing so intensely as he closed in on them that he thought it might explode.

He caught up behind Thorin and felt slightly braver because he felt safe being near the dwarf. But that didn't help his physical state. The muscles in his legs screamed in pain. He knew that his body would be stronger if only he'd eaten today, but that realization did not make him regret skipping meals.

The orc that had fallen off of the warg was now pursuing the company on foot. He was rapidly advancing on Fili. Nori noticed and shouted warning to him, which prompted Fili to turn around and thrust his sword into the orc's chest.

Bilbo started seeing double as he watched Fili kill the orc. Everything around the malnourished hobbit spun as he became immensely dizzy. His hairy feet stumbled over each other because he could no longer run in a straight line. Squeezing his eyes shut, he hoped that when he opened them, his vision would be back to normal. His vision only became more blurry when he opened them.

Bilbo began to slow down because he felt like he could barely breathe. He desperately needed to stop and catch his breath, but he knew that if he did, he would be history. Black spots began to form in his eyesight.

Against his better judgment, he stopped running and automatically doubled over. The rest of the company kept running farther ahead as the hobbit coughed and wheezed. Completely out of breath, Bilbo felt like he was going to pass out.

"Bilbo! Come on!"

Bilbo looked up, and although he recognized Thorin's frantic voice, he couldn't see the dwarf through his impaired vision.

The sound of orcs shouting behind him prompted Bilbo to continue running, but his fatigued legs failed him after just one step. He groaned as he collapsed onto the ground.

Lying on his side, he attempted to drag his exhausted body up. To his surprise, his arms and legs would not cooperate. His muscles were too weak and refused to move. Fear gripped his heart as he realized that the orcs were closing in on him and he was paralyzed.

"Thorin!" His voice shook as he cried out for the dwarf.

Blinking repeatedly to try to see clearly, Bilbo could discern a warg running past him a few meters away. The orc riding it noticed him lying there, and shouted something which caused the warg to slow down.

Bilbo screamed as he tried to lift himself up with all of the strength that he could muster. Attempts to get even a little bit of energy out proved to be in vain.

The warg suddenly started running straight at him.

"No, no, please..." Bilbo was aware that this could very well be the end for him. He couldn't bear the thought of never seeing Thorin again.

The warg's vicious face was now only a couple of yards away from his own. Bilbo squeezed his eyes shut, awaiting his fate.

* * *

**i'll update faster this time I PROMISE!**

**it would make me the happiest person in the world if you would be amazing and leave a review c:**


	3. Heavy

**i'm updating today in honor of dos coming out on dvd. i'm watching it right now and i was literally crying when it started coming on I WAS SO HAPPY**

**trigger warning: eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia)**

* * *

Bilbo trembled as he prepared to get a bite taken out of his small body. His eyes were squeezed shut, not wanting the warg's sharp teeth to be the last thing he ever saw.

His pointy ears picked up a cry of anguish and he opened his eyes just in time to see Thorin thrust his sword into the warg's side.

The warg collapsed onto the ground only inches away from Bilbo's face. The hobbit gasped at being so close to the beast and tried to wiggle himself away from it.

Thorin was now involved in a sword fight with the orc. From his spot on the ground, Bilbo watched with wide, fearful eyes.

"Stay away from my hobbit!" Thorin roared as he fatally stabbed the orc in the chest, winning the sword fight.

He wasted no time running over to Bilbo and kneeling down on the ground next to him. "Have they injured you, my love?" His eyes tensely scanned the hobbit's body, searching for any sign of trauma.

"No! You saved me!" Bilbo squealed. He tried to throw his arms around the dwarf, but his face sank as they remained stubborn and still.

Thorin scooped the hobbit up into his arms and held him in a cradle position. "But of course. I would risk my life before I let any harm come upon you."

Still trembling from his ordeal, Bilbo managed a small smile. He lay limply in Thorin's arms as the dwarf started to run forward. The numb feeling in his limbs was bringing him great distress. He knew he needed food so that his body could make energy and... no. He quickly shook off those thoughts. He told himself there would be no eating, not today, not ever.

Thorin ventured into a part of the forest that was hidden by many trees.

"We're here," he announced.

"And why exactly are we here?" Bilbo looked up at the trees with confusion. "What about the orcs?"

"They're farther ahead. You will be safe here while I continue to fight them. I refuse to let you remain in the presence of orcs again."

"Your intentions are to leave me here alone?" Bilbo squeaked. "Please don't! I'm very afraid." He gave the dwarf cute puppy dog eyes.

"They will not find you here, I am sure of it," Thorin said as he delicately set the hobbit down onto his feet.

He gasped when he let go and Bilbo crumpled to the ground. He opened his mouth to speak, but Bilbo beat him to it.

"My foot has a horrid cramp," the hobbit lied. "I'm unable to stand on it." He groaned in agony a few times to make it convincing.

"The ideal solution is to stand up and walk on it," Thorin suggested.

"Nope. What works for me is to simply lay right here and not move at all." Bilbo didn't want him to find out the true reason for his fall.

Thorin simply shrugged. Bilbo tried once more to move his arms, and was delighted to find that they cooperated this time. They moved slowly and felt like they had weights attached to them, but at least they moved. He smiled to himself as he moved them back and forth.

"Perhaps I know of an alternate solution," Thorin spoke up eagerly. "A foot massage."

Bilbo stared up at him with a cute confused look. "You wish to massage my feet?"

"Yes. That's what one does when giving another a foot massage," Thorin smirked as he kneeled down near Bilbo. "Show me your aching foot."

Bilbo sat up and, much to his relief, was able to move his legs out in front of him. It took effort to move his foot over towards the dwarf, but he managed.

Thorin grabbed hold of the hairy foot. "Where's your cramp?"

"Um... in the middle, I suppose."

Thorin moved his hands to the middle of the hobbit's foot and began to gently massage the bottom of it.

"Oh, that feels amazing!" Bilbo threw his head back and moaned. "I was unaware that you were skilled at massaging feet."

Thorin stifled a laugh at that reaction. "That's not the only thing I'm skilled at that can make you react in that manner," he winked.

"Yes, that I'm already quite aware of," Bilbo bit his lip as he stared at the dwarf.

Thorin started to move a hand up Bilbo's thigh.

"Oh my," Bilbo giggled. "What about the orcs?" He tried to look serious but he couldn't hide the smile growing on his face.

"I believe the company is quite capable of handling the orcs themselves," Thorin grinned as the hobbit began to blush slightly.

Bilbo looked down and his smile faded when he caught sight of his thighs. They seemed enormous to him. Frowning, he tried to figure out why he wasn't losing any weight even though he'd been starving himself for two days.

"Bilbo? Hello?"

Thorin's anxious voice snapped the hobbit out of his thoughts. Bilbo shook his head quickly as if trying to forget what he'd been thinking about.

"What is it?" Thorin eyed him curiously. "You appeared to be in deep thought."

"Just pondering about the orcs," Bilbo muttered. No longer wanting Thorin to touch his fat thighs, he pulled his legs up to himself and wrapped his arms around them.

The dwarf looked slightly disappointed but said nothing.

Bilbo took a deep breath, getting ready to ask a question he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer to. "Do you recall earlier, when you carried me here?"

"It was only a short while ago, what do you think?"

Bilbo ignored his snappy response. "Was I... um..." he hesitated before looking up at the dwarf with hopeful eyes. "Was I lighter than usual?"

Thorin looked surprised at this. "Well, I did not really take notice of that. I was more concerned with getting you away from the orcs safely."

"But you were supposed to notice!" Bilbo whined. "I was lighter, was I not?"

Thorin looked thoughtful for a few seconds. "Actually, no. I remember now. You were quite heavy."

"Hea... heavy?" Bilbo sputtered, staring at the dwarf in disbelief. "You just said I'm heavy. Certainly you do not mean that." He hoped Thorin had accidently used the wrong word and would correct himself.

"Indeed I do. I recall thinking that I could run quicker if you were not so heavy. I suspect that a certain hobbit has been sneaking snacks during the night." He grinned at Bilbo, unaware of the damage he was doing.

Bilbo felt like he'd just been stabbed in the heart, but even that would hurt less. The last thing that he ever wanted Thorin to call him was heavy. His lower lip trembled and he struggled not to burst into tears.

He glared angrily at the dwarf. How could the person that he loves the most be so cruel?

Thorin's smile vanished. "What? Have I angered you?"

"Um, yes! You hurt my feelings!" Bilbo was nearly screaming. "How dare you call me heavy?"

Thorin's eyes widened in surprise. "You asked..." he sounded unsure. "Did you want me to deceive you and say you were lighter? Fine, you were lighter."

Bilbo's heart sank. "Stop that," he hissed. He tried to blink back tears but couldn't stop one from falling down his cheek.

"Why have you been so moody in recent times?" Thorin asked as he wiped away the hobbit's tear.

"Doesn't matter," Bilbo muttered. He pulled his legs up closer to himself and sighed. He pictured Thorin kissing a different hobbit. A thin hobbit. Another tear rolled down his cheek.

"Certainly it matters!" Thorin insisted. "You were crying earlier and you're crying now. What has been troubling you?"

Bilbo shook his head slowly and sniffed. "You will not understand. Just go find the orcs. I'll be alright, I guess." He believed that Thorin couldn't truly care about a fat, disgusting hobbit like himself.

"Please do not cry. You may be heavy but that's no reason to cry."

"Stop saying that dreadful word!" Bilbo spat. He couldn't believe that Thorin had the nerve to call him heavy once again. He stood up and glowered at the dwarf. "You know what? I'm alright with being out here unaccompanied now." His voice shook saying the next phrase. "You can just go away."

Thorin's face fell. "I did not intend to hurt you, my love. I apologize for calling you... that word."

Pouting, Bilbo crossed his arms over his chest and said nothing. He didn't feel like forgiving the dwarf. He was fat and nothing Thorin could say would change that.

"You're not going to tell me what's wrong, I assume?"

Bilbo continued to glare at him.

"Okay. You stay here," Thorin sounded exasperated. "I will locate the rest of the company." He stood up and started to walk through the trees, away from the hobbit.

Bilbo watched him go with surprise. He didn't expect him to just leave like that. The voices in his head started telling him that Thorin hated him and was never coming back for him.

"Thorin, wait!" Bilbo's legs moved slowly as he tried to run through the forest to find the dwarf. "Come back! I forgive you." He came to a stop when he realized that he was moving too slow to catch up to Thorin.

He let out a woeful cry before tears started to fall from his eyes like a waterfall. _Thorin left you all alone. He never wants to see you again, you ugly thing._ Bilbo sat down in the dirt and stared out at the trees through teary eyes. It was beginning to get dark. _Thorin is never coming back, you fat piece of shit._ He curled up on the ground and sobbed loudly to try to drown out the voices. He held onto the tiny sliver of hope that Thorin would return for him.

* * *

**reviews would make me happier than i already am while i watch dos. i would literally explode with happiness! c:**


End file.
